I know, confusing right?

So you know that think called emotions and feelings?

Yeah and I am done with them for a while. All they do is cause me to end up hurt. Every time.

It sucks, being so scared for just about anything. Scared to get attached to someone. Hell, scared to let someone love me and scared to love someone. It fucking sucks because that's all the good feelings people have.

I don't need a man to be happy, I know I don't. But I like loving someone, and always being loved and wanted.

It doesn't freaking help that boys are so damn confusing.

You either want me or you don't. Don't settle for me because you have no one else or something stupid like that.

Be with me for feelings and happiness.


I'm tired of the lust attached to the things. Why can't someone love me for me? Not my body. It hurts more then people actually think it does.

Why can't someone hold me and we can giggle together? Be happy? Wrestle? Just be happy. No fucking confusion or anything like that. Just meet each other, talk for awhile the right way, and then get together. All these boys ask me out in a week of meeting me or talking to me and it's pointless. That is not enough time to completely grow feelings. That's bullshit.

I guess taking a break from it all is what I need to do. Find a job and focus on school.

I mean they do say, Love comes at unexpected times.


"Remember all things we wanted, now all our memories are haunted. We were always meant to say goodbye." - Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson.

If your happy and you know it clap your hands.

So, I am happy, and I do know it.

I have found someone. I can't call them mine yet, but I will be able to soon. And I have not been more excited for anything.

For everyone making a effort to be in my life, I love you. You are the people I want to be in my life forever. I don't ever want to lose you guys. I don't think I would be able to function correctly without you guys. You make me happy, make me want to live because only a few months ago, I didn't want to. But now I feel like I have the best friends and boyfriend I could ask for.

Everyone hold back your drama and problems, and just be happy. It's the best feeling in the world. Something that you should always feel.

When you are down, think of a good moment in your life, even though it may not be possible anymore. Think of all the people that are there for you. Think of the people that try their best to make you smile when they know that you are down and so much more.

Those people are your friends and if they really do want you happy and more, they will fight with you, be there for you, and be in your life until you no longer want them.

Be a friend to someone who is a friend to you.

Be a amazing girlfriend/boyfriend to someone that is to you.

Make someone in the world feel special.

Make someone in the world feel like they would be lost without you.

Make someone regret losing you in any way.

Just make the best out of your life.


Thank you to the friends I have, your the best.

"Would you sing to me, because I feel my heart beat starting to breathe, when you are away from me it's harder to breathe," - Sing to me by Before their eyes.

Some of my best friends, I love you.

Dear lord.

Yes, finally I have what I want.

I know am one of the happiest persons in the world. I have him.


I don't deserve to have him, I really don't. I'm so broken and he deserves a girl that has a full heart. But he still loves me anyway and it's amazing.

I'm happy we found each other, because we both deserve it. We both have so much in common, and so much more.

Jeez, it's weird having these feelings for me, and also being so comfortable around someone you never thought you would be able to fix things with.


Have you ever seen someone again after not seeing them for awhile and messing things up with them that it hits your heart so hard that you really do have feelings for them? That you regret doing what you did? That you want to go back in time and fix things? I do.

Have you ever been kissed and have had your heart practically beat out of your chest? I have.

Have you ever smiled so much your face hurts? I do all the time now.

Have you ever laughed so much nothing comes out? I do because of him.


I'm happy and that is all that matters right now.


Have you ever been away from someone and completely hate it? I have.


Someday, someone will walk into your life. And even though it may not be for months, years or decades, they will become the person you love dearly, that you would be willing to be with forever, marry, or whatever. That person will be the person you share your life with, and will make you feel amazing. Don't ever let them go, for anything.

I'm not saying I am going to marry this guy, for you guys thinking that. I can just see myself happy with him for a long time, so don't judge me.

I'm happy. Thank god. But the key is still lost it seems.


"Forever is a long time, but I wouldn't mind spending it by your side," I wouldn't mind by He is We.

I'm back and shining like star.

This is my first post in a long time.

I'm much better now, everything is better. I have someone that I think it will work out with.

I'm happy.

Once again I had to go through another person that broke me, and seemed to be only using me. But now, because of everything that I went through, I'm the strongest I have ever been. I'm smiling again, going somewhere almost everyday, and so much more.

I just want to thank those two boys for making me stronger.

But the key to my heart is lost.

I now have the biggest wall around myself. Even though I should take it down for this new person, I think I'm going to keep it up for awhile, because when I put it down before, I only got extremely hurt.

It feels good to know that I have this person here for me, and so much more.

I want to thank my friends, for keeping me together in the hardest time of my life.

I'm a stronger person all thanks to you guys.


Thank you all so much for being here for me, I wouldn't be here without you.


Now I know that I had to go through this, so I know better next time.

It seems that now I can make it through anything.

I won't let myself have the anxiety attacks, or let my heart get broken anymore.

This wall will always be up until the day that I say I do. Which I think is a good idea, because you never know what is going to happen.

I can make it through anything and just have to keep trying my best to be happy. Even though I have those days, we all do.


The only thing that I do not like that came out of all that is happen is that I now have anxiety pills and have to take them when I have an "episode". But I'll get better at controlling it, I already am.



"I just ran out of bandaids, I don't even know where to start. Cause you can't bandage the damage, you never really can fix a heart," - Fix a Heart by Demi Lovato

Working on it.

I'm so done crying.

So today was a good but stressful day.

I'm am going to stop being sad. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I want you back. Yes, I want you to be my friend even though that's all were gonna be. But, I'm done being sad.

I got so much out today. I threw things, screamed and punched the wall. I realized that I needed to just get over the fact that you don't love me anymore. Which is one of the hardest things I think that I will ever have to do. I really don't understand it and it hurts so much.

I will have my days where I sit and cry.

I will have my days where I am perfectly fine and happy.

But for right now I'm gonna hold all the crying in.

I got to see people that make me happy today, and actually smile and laugh. Even though at one point in time I was crying.

I keep on blaming myself. I do and can't help it.

I'm working on myself. Trying to be the happy and hyperactive person everyone loves.

This has made me stronger.

When I talk to people, I'm not gonna let them know that I am sad. I'm gonna be all fake smiles, like everyone wants.

I'm not gonna try another relationship anytime soon. I just can't and refuse too.

I want everyone to stop worrying about me as of today.

I'm gonna be fine eventaully even though right now I don't even want to try for anything.

Everytime I feel sad, I'm just going to distract myself and keep it in.

I want everything back to normal.

"Now your gone and I'm haunted. And I bet you are just fine. Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?" Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy.

Don't you hate it when life goes wrong?

Have to Try.

The days seem harder, yet easier.

   Sorry if it's annoying but it's true. The days seem easier, learning to live with pain. Today was a happier day, until the break down came along. Being in the house makes you have time to think, without things to distract you. When that's what you need most, is just a simple distraction, to feel better. Yes, people care, alot. But no matter what people tell you, you just keep blaming yourself, and wondering so many different things. What did you do to deserve something like this? Of course, it's needed to become stronger. But not even having you as a friend hurts a lot.

   Do you ever wanna go back in time? Of course, everyone does at some point of time.

   You just got to tell yourself, get over it. There is no point in waiting around for something that may never happen, even though it's all you ever wanted. If something is meant to happen, it will happen. Don't waist your time waiting, because when you most unexpect it may happen.

   I'm not gonna wait, even though at that moment, I would take you back in a second. But it's not what you want. I have got to except that and move on.
I will have my days where I sit and cry. There are my friends that will help me throughout the days where I'm crying my eyes out.
I will always blame myself, even though so many people tell me it's not my fault, I will continue to blame. I had to have done something to deserve this.
I hope you know that you have made me stronger. Made me realize that I should never give my heart fully to someone ever again, until the day I say 'I do'.

   Dammit, don't you hate it when you can't stop your brain from thinking about so many damn things. It's hard to deal with this even though you are telling yourself that you can get through this. You need to try and be happy again, even though it is so damn hard.

Not loving you is harder then you know. But I have to try, even though I don't think it's not gonna happen no matter how hard I try.


"What can you do when your good isn't good enough, when all that you touch tumbles down." - Get it Right by Glee.

One of those days.

Everyone has those kind of days.


     Where all they want to do is either sleep, eat, or just be lazy. That's what today was like. Using sleeping pills so the sleep so you wouldn't have a nightmare involved. These kind of days make you realize things and also make you think. Being home alone has no distractions but the ones you make. Like the tv or anything you try. But you can't be distracted the whole time, when your stuck in a house in sickness, which is all tied up with the emotions you have been feeling for awhile.

   The days where you listen to songs that make you feel something, that make you have a tear in your eye or just make you wanna scream. Those days where sleep seems like all you want to do even though you are scared to dream. The days where you realize you can't do this forever, that you need to just try a little bit harder and maybe if you keep postive, everything will get better slowly. But sometimes you need it to happen fast, not slowly. Why fast? Just for your own well being. So you don't spend days like this, blaming yourself for the hell you have been through. Wondering what you did to deserve something like this. To sit and see things on tv that make you wanna cry and just give up. But you have the good thoughts, for example, this is for the best, everything happens for a reason. The things you should be thinking, the things people keep telling you so you will feel better, but doesn't seem to be working out well. The one day where you need someone to talk to and everyone seems to ignore you.

The days where you feel like you are just falling down and down throughout the day.

The day where you realize you have to just go at life and live like your dying.

The day where you realize if something is meant to happen, it will.

The day where you realize that this was all to make you a stronger being.

The day where you think about how to stop something like this happening again.

The day where you tell yourself to never give your heart to someone fully again, until you say 'I do'.

The day where you just give up and wait for time to show what happens.

The days where you try and understand what has happened, what is happening.

The day where you become stronger, even though you will have more days where you just break down and cry for hours. Which is only human.

"Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground, like a skyscraper." Skyscraper by Demi Lovato.

Been Trying.

Have you ever tried so hard at something that it just didn't seem like it was going to happen?

     Nothing has ever seemed like it wasn't going to happen like this. It seems like it's just something that is in the stars. Like it just something that shouldn't be tried for. But it should be. Everyone should be happy and not let something keep them down and stop them from being happy. But sometimes it takes time to be truely happy again, and everyone has to know that. It will eventually get better, but the nightmares are constant reminders of how unfair the world can be. People have to know that it won't always be perfect, that life will all the time have something that will want to bring you down. You just have to keep your head up high.